I am feeling really very sad and frustrated and am having the hardest time making this decision, but I think it has been decided that I must give up on the breastfeeding and pumping. I have been pumping now for 4 months all in hopes of eventually breastfeeding once Adison got home from the hospital. I never was a good pumper. With my other babies I breastfed exclusively until I had to go back to work and when I did the pump just didn't cut it. I dried up like that. I always felt I did a pretty good job giving them a good start. We lasted about 3-4 months and I had no problem switching to formula. This time is much harder!
At first with her being only 2lbs and in the NICU I felt it was my duty to supply her what she needed. I rented a hospital grade pump which has been $60 a month for the last 3 months. I felt this was the only thing I could do for her, so keeping up with pumping every 3 hours was hard, but sooo worth it to me. I've been telling myself that if we can make it through the NICU stay then when she gets home we can really breastfeed. I was looking forward to this because number one I think it's the healthiest for mom and baby, two... I love the bonding, three...it's free...how can you beat that? and four... I love the ease of it! Middle of the night feedings are so easy when you just have to bring the baby to your bed and whip it out. No warming bottles and cleaning them....it's the easiest and most natural way. Don't think I'm some crazy pro-breastfeeding mom who doesn't think it's okay to feed formula. I think whatever works for you is what you should do. I just happen to like breastfeeding for me! So, I've been through 2 rounds of prescription Reglan to keep up my supply when its fallen off. I've tried the pumping every two hour thing and I've drank so much water I'm about to drown. I just can't keep it up. Since she has been home I've tried getting her to breastfeed. She does okay, but she's not great with feeding from the bottle as it is, so the let down of the breast drowns her. She latches great, but she gets fussy with me because there isn't much there and then she gets too much. It's been a rough road, but I didn't want to give up so easily! I just finished the Reglan again two days ago and the very next day already my supply dropped drastically. I think its time to stop, I just feel so guilty!
In one way, I think if I stop it will take some stress off of me. I've been a crazy lady trying to mix bottles, feed her, and pump. It takes me an hour at night to go through the whole routine and I'm hurting for some sleep! Maybe I use this time to sleep and actually be happier during the day. I can also get rid of the pump and the $60 a month, which will probably be the same as formula. I just hate to lose out on the bonding time that we didn't get while she was in the hospital! For 3 months I only got to see my baby for an hour or two a day. I had to ask nurses if I could feed her. I just wanted this time at home with her to nurse her when I wanted and feel the bond I felt with my other girls. I know I need to get over this feeling and I will feel so much relief after I get over the guilt.
I spoke with my doctor today and told him I just can't keep up. He reminded me of how hard it is to pump for such a long time and how well I have done. He reassured me that I have given her the best during the time it really mattered. She has gotten a great start with breastmilk those first 4 months and there is no harm in switching. My husband also made me feel better about it and has supported my decision. I really don't have much of a decision to make...my body has pretty much made it for me. I'm sure there are other moms who have been through too. It's just part of being a mother with expectations. I just need to channel my guilt into something else. I hope we can bond through cuddling and bottle feeding. This has been such a long hard 4 months. I'm looking forward to getting rid of the stress of feeding and start enjoying other things about my baby girl.
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